I faked an abortion last night.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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