Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
