Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
