He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
