I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i out mim tonsoeep
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