WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
