Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
