it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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