I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
