If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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