i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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