Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
