Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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