Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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