thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We need to rekindle our bromance
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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