Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
