I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
