I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so let's talk penis.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
