I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
