i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
