you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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