and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
