she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
