I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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