I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
