My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
