I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
