bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i think i have two assholes
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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