two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
