I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
