I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
