Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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