Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
