Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
