i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
