Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
