I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
