I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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