seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
