i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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