that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
