I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
