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i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
someone owes me an orgasm
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
