WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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