if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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