she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
