I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
