If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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