watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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