she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
